Scanning Report: Its been a long time , I found myself emotionally numb and now I have to learn how to deal with this emotional aftermath. Troubles that cope up with trauma and painful experiences often took us to very high volume of stressful mental stage. I have read about these things when I was fully aware about where my mind is sinking. I was unable to move on from that situation and its started the flash-backing my vision in frequent segments. I was fully aware and worried about this downfall, actually its not a fall its committed with the intention of killing own-self. I wonder how fast I become hyper-responsive to any critical or risky situations, and It was truly a worst feeling I ever had. Feels like a unwanted mutant, I could help myself but I told you that it has an intention, and so many people would regret for letting me fall.
Is this a Chance?:
How often people get chance to look at the deep inside of our mind. In my point of view “chance” is not an appropriate word comparing to this knowledge ? Its a pain, fear, and a nightmare. When your world creates a narrow boundary, you can see only what your brain creates for you. Living in illusions and always trying to escape, dream for a shelter of peace, all these thing totally insane in this journey of self exploration.
Supreme Power: I dont have any good attitude towards supreme power or afterlife, eternal life theories. Realistic views are very complicated in case of disorder. I have been digging these part in every beliefs and the conclusion is “a political phenomenon to use common people through propaganda and mythology”
Childhood : Another area to focus on this disorder is “Childhood” and the surrounding where we grow up to learn about this world. Our mind collect every little things, filtrate it, compile it in memory sandbox. If you ask about mine, I have a strange excuse for sure. I remember myself being alone most of time in my childhood and I have had only few recollection from my high school as well. Among those, two years are totally blank, I have got nothing to pulled out any event to satisfy myself that I was not dead for those two years. One thing I remember I was on pills but yet couldn’t find my sleep, therefore those days are pretty long enough to research on my existence and the purpose being alone. That was not a traumatic event after all, simple depression which collapsed after I moved to the city.
Life:- Life has always giving us surprises, now I am feeling like I am compelled to live in a certain way which showing hope for a panic-less and probably there’s a good explanation somewhere but I am scared if its a de-realization or like chanting old mantras. I have started new relationships with new people only to avoid all those person and events which can drag me back to that memory drain. I am always stressing on those subjects which I should not even think about. Those subjects are nothing in real, but somehow I bent them and designed like a knife, with what I cut my wrist, my palms, my chest and did thousand of open heart surgery to check why people are debating on this tiny organ, heart. Thousand of picture’s, quote and some heart touching lines always floating in the air.Yes, cant go on without mentioning movies as well.
The Syndrome: Whenever I experienced instant change of my mood, my heart beats like drum, I felt the air is full of CO2 and its emergency for me breath fresh Oxygen. This might be a sickness of emotions. I have never ever felt so uncomfortable with my body. Physical existence hardly matter for me now, I hurt my own body by my rude selfish mental game. This small room is like a world for me, I hate to go outside, I feel like people staring at me and talking about my story. This is disgusting, I was so introvert and I am still stick in to my own rule that I should live in a cage or a box.
Out of box??
I am not that type of, but I guess I should think less and work more on my life.
Cure:- Now I guess this is a complex arrangement of my mind, and I create a prison for myself and the verdict is yet to be judged. The only good option to arrange each things in natural order, I have to keep myself stop going back with flashbacks and fill this soul with some good elements for a new dawn. If I am not “out of box” type, I should give it a try.
P.S. I wrote this in 2013